


our golden scars

by drunkendick



Category: Floating (1997)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2084085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkendick/pseuds/drunkendick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never broke Maïa, she already was. The gold in her, he can see it because she has failures. It's the broken Maïa that makes him see the Golden Maïa. I see you Maïa and it's blinding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. mark my words

\- Hi, she says.

He looks up, she’s there, looking at him like he’s just normal.

\- Hi, he says.

She smiles, a little.

\- I’m Maïa.

\- Van, he says, smiling a little.

His teeth are worrying the inside of his cheek. That’s how he meets Jason’s cousin, Maïa. She’s pretty, he thinks, little and tiny next to him. She laughs a lot, with a little sound, not making too much noise. She doesn’t blush even if she gets embarrassed easily. She’s smart and funny and is sarcastic as hell. She smokes with them, not too much, it makes her sleepy. She doesn’t drink too much and when she does, she looks him in the eyes, with her bright ones and he can swear there’s gold in her iris. Maïa is bright, with blond hair and clear green eyes and white skin. There are freckles on her shoulders, on her nose, on her cheekbones.

* * *

Flip loves Maïa. They all know it, Maïa knows it, she told him, times ago, she won’t love him but Flip just does. Maïa says one day, she’ll break his heart. Van nods because even if she doesn’t want to do it, she’ll have to. She doesn’t say a lot because everything is written in her eyes. Sometimes, when she falls asleep because of the weed, he lets his fingers trace the lines of her face. He loves her nose, it’s like a button of rose, just perfect, like all her face. Once, he asked Jason if he was sure Maïa was really from his family. Sometimes, she puts her head on his thighs and he says nothing, just lets his fingers get lost in her locks. Her hair is long, she’s always flipping them over her shoulder, an annoyed look on her face.

\- If you like Maïa, just go for it, says Flip.

Van looks at him, biting his cheek. He raises an eyebrow.

\- I need her to move on.

Van just shrugs, saying yeah, whatever dude. He thinks about Doug, who is dead because his father couldn’t accept him. Van thinks, maybe Flip will die because Maïa won’t accept him. He thinks, maybe I’ll kill someone again. He takes a long drag of the joint and his thoughts disappear in the smoke.

* * *

Maïa doesn’t like water, she doesn’t like her hair getting wet and it is so long she can’t go swimming. But Maïa likes taking the sun, to lie on the pond, closing her eyes and just listen to the boys swimming. She feels someone climbing next to her, hears drops of water falling on the floor. She knows the someone is lying next to her now.

\- You never talk ?

She smiles, her eyes closed. It’s Van. Pretty, handsome, smart, tortured Van. His eyes are full of melancholia which had washed his eyes, made them lose their colors. Van is sad. Van thinks a lot. Van smiles sometimes, it’s little, you have to look for it, to know the sign, it’s in the crook of his mouth, in the color of his lips, in the blue of his eyes. Van makes her feel free and trapped. Van makes her feel like one day, everything will be fine. Van makes her think of happiness with his blond hair and black thoughts.

\- I have nothing to say.

His hand is close to hers and her fingers slip between them. Their hands are back to back, it’s just fingers intertwined.

\- Maïa ? he whispers.

She turns her head, opening her eyes, finding his. She sees the smile on his face, his wet hair dripping on the wood, his eyes closing. She tightens her fingers on his and turns her head against the sun. She’ll burn before she lets his fingers go.

* * *

 

One day, they are alone because Flip and Jason are doing their thing. She says, we’ll go to your house, Van. She takes his hand, she says, we’ll be fine, Van. And he believes her, leading her to his home, leading her to his father. She’s wearing jean short, making her skin looks like gold, shining. Her hair is flying and when she looks at him, she smiles softly. He lightens a cigarette because she makes him nervous. She doesn’t seem to want anything from him, she just accepts what he gives. He doesn’t know what to make of that, what to make of Maïa. They enter his house and his father is there, as always.

\- Hi, sir, she says.

And Maïa is in his home and she‘s smiling and she’s greeting his father. They go to his room and she sits on his bed. She grips the waistband of his pants, getting him closer to her and making him fall next to her. She tugs at the hem of his shirt so he gets rid of it. Her hand finds his tattoo, touching his chest. He watches her, watching him. Her green eyes on his body.

\- Where did you get all of this ?

\- I did some of them, some friends do the other, he shrugs, his voice low.

He doesn’t know why he’s talking like that but this girl is a doll and he’s afraid to break her.

\- Would you do one on me ?

She tends him her wrist, putting it on his hands. His thumb grazes the skin, white almost transparent. She wants him to taint her, to corrupt her beauty, her perfection, to soil her white skin.

\- I don’t know, Maïa, you don’t need that, you’re too-

Soon, she’s on his laps, her hands on his cheek, making him look in her eyes.

\- I thought you were different, I thought you saw.

He lets his nose touch hers before he kisses her.

\- I see you, Maïa, he says, I see you.

Her arms sneaks around his neck, her hands gripping his hair, kissing him, just by pushing her lips against his.

\- I want to mark your smile on me, Van.

His hands get rid of her top before he pushes her on the bed, kissing her, his hands roaming on her stomach as hers are lost in his hair, bringing him to her mouth. It’s never close enough, they’re still too much apart. He buries his nose in her neck, his arms sneaking in her back, bringing her skin against him, hugging her. Her arms are pushing his head against her because they need it, they need to be close, the closer possible. He feels her heart beating against him, the same quick pace as his.

\- I like you, she whispers. He kisses her neck.

\- I want to mark the gold of your eyes on my skin.

When he thinks about Maïa, all he sees is gold. The golden paillettes in her irises, the gold of her tanned skin, the gold of her name, the gold of her heart. He knows she’ll leave, soon, he’s not in love but Maïa is pulling him near, it’s an attraction, his eyes can’t help but look for her gold. He needs this gold on his skin, this perfection, to remember it exists.

* * *

Van is angry. All the time. She knows he is. He looks like an animal sometimes, pacing, smoking, his eyes lost, getting angry over little thing. She‘s afraid. He doesn’t seem to control his anger, she’s afraid. He’s swearing on some pricks who just throw things in the lake. She knows he has a right to be angry but the way he’s doing it is frightening her. He’s like an alpha, like an animal, not like Van who whispers sweet words in her neck, in her ear, in her hair. One of the guys must have said the wrong thing because Van is on him, pushing him.

\- Van, she says slowly, gripping the waistband of his pants, come on.

He glances at her, backs off. He tightens his jaw and goes. She watches his back retract, wonder if he’s angry with her or if it’s just life.

\- Don’t you worry, girl, he’ll come around, says Flip, his arm on her shoulders.

He leads her to their amount of dirt where is the trunk tree where she sits. Flip and Jason are playing in the water, smoking. She smokes too and laughs but Van is still in her mind. Maybe he marks her with his anger instead of his smile. Maybe she’s again falling in the path of liking the angered, the weak, the fascinating. She taps the butt of the cig, making ashes fall on her knees. She crushes it with her index, they’re all be ashes in the end anyway. She takes one more drag.

* * *

Van is in sweater, his blue as night one. She loves this sweater, it makes him look softer. They’re going to a bar, she goes on the bike with Jason, Van with Flip. Her hair is flying in the wind and all he sees is gold again. He thinks he should stop thinking about her, her skin beneath his fingers. They are at the party and he sees, for the first time, Maïa uncomfortable. Guys are looking at her, the smell of alcohol in the air and her eyes find his, pleading. He grabs her hand, pulling her against him, whispers it’s okay, Maïa, I got you and they go.

\- Why do you like me, he says, lightening his cigarette, his eyes on the floor.

She’s next to him, her eyes glancing at his face before she drops them, her head slowly falling against his arm.

\- The stories in your eyes.

He glances at her, what does she know anyway. She’s just Jason’s cousin, just a little and tiny girl, just Maïa. She’s just Maïa, the tiniest star in the sky. She’s just Maïa and it’s almost everything. His fingers find hers.

\- You’ll go at the end of the summer.

She nods against his arm, her eyes closing. It’s stupid really, looking into his eyes for the first time and falling. It’s so easy, effortless as easy and quick as blinking.

\- Why were you so afraid of in the bar ?

\- My Dad drinks, it’s making him a mess, she whispers.

\- Mine too, he says.

She is silent, she doesn’t ask question so she doesn’t say where is your mom, Van ? tell me Van, who broke your heart ? who put all this doubt in your approach. She just leaves her eyes closed, her fingers gripping, tightening on his. He puts the cigarette on her mouth, the tip of his fingers pushing against her lips. She takes a long drag and when she opens her eyes, the sky is full of stars.

\- What if I don’t leave at the end of the summer ? she whispers, blowing smoke.

Tell me, Van, what if I end up loving you so much that I’ll stay here, tell me, Van, would you be weak ?

\- You’ll leave, he says, lowly.

He doesn’t add, they all did. His Mum left, Julie left, Maïa will, she’s not different. She dreams bigger than Van, bigger than the lake, bigger than his father’s broken legs. He doesn’t blame her, he just doesn’t have dreams, except maybe make his father happy. He’s not ambitious, he’s not demanding, he doesn’t need amount of money. He may just need gold. She slips against the wall, sitting, staring at her hands. Maybe she’s just the girl of the summer, the one he likes for the month. It’s okay, it really is. She can live with that, knowing she’s just the divertissement of the summer for him, something that change from the rest of the year. She’ll take everything she can, she’ll burn her wings, she’ll enjoy what they have the present days. She’ll see later.

\- Van ? He looks down to her, takes a breath and lowers next to her.

\- Can I sleep with you tonight ?

Maïa is with Jason and only Jason. Van doesn’t know, he never thought to ask. Maïa doesn’t talk a lot, well, she talks but she doesn’t ask personal question, neither does she talk personal. So it’s like she’s not talking a lot. Van knows that it’s her silence that talks for Maïa, it’s in the way she moves her head, in the way she plays with her fingers. Maïa has big green eyes which see everything and are like an open book for him. He smokes.

\- Yeah, he says.

She wants to party, staying here is making her sad and she knows that his thoughts mustn’t be that happy. She gets up, taking his hand in hers, helping him getting up too.

\- Come on, Van, no time to be brooding.

She smiles, a dimple on her cheek. She throws his cigarette on the floor and pushes her mouth against his, her hands in his, gripping. They go inside, music screaming but Van’s hand is in hers, she has nothing to fear. Flip and Jason are drinking beers and Jason smiles, seeing them arrive.

\- I want beer, boys, she says, Van wants one too.

And she’s smiling and the only thing he sees is the way her eyes flicker to him, the way every time their eyes met, the little dimple makes an apparition. The end of the summer is closer, they’re running to their end. He knows he’ll just miss her in a month but when the smile on her face widens, he can’t help but smiles back.

* * *

Maïa is happy, lying in Van’s bed. Van says, my father might call me, Van says, my room isn’t great, Van says, you’re beautiful. Soon, they’re face to face, on their knees on the bed. His hand is on her cheek, his thumb grazing her lips.

\- Maïa, he says and she presses her lips against his.

\- Scar me with your smile, Van, she says, against his lips.

He’s pushing her on the mattress and devours her. He leaves his smile everywhere on her skin, marking her neck. Her green eyes are dying his blue ones, her gold is his and under his hands, it melts.

* * *

Van, she hears, she hears his name, like a growl. She turns, her hand finding warm sheets. Van is gone, she feels, Van isn’t there anymore. She keeps her eyes close and despite the hotness of the night, she wraps herself in the sheets. Van, it says, in her head, in her body, in her heart, in her ear, on her skin, everything screams his name, nothing indicates his presence.

* * *

Maïa, he whispers, his hand looking for her. But Maïa isn’t here because he’s in his Dad’s bed. He gets up, goes to his room and Maïa is sleeping, the sheets all over her. Some locks are scattered on the pillow and when he slips in the bed, when he takes away some of the sheets from her face, he sees dry tears on her cheeks. She opens her eyes, they’re red.

\- I dreamt you were gone, she whispers, her hand touching his cheek.

\- I was, he says.

She lowers her eyes, she doesn’t deserve his nights, only his bed. He kisses her, bringing their bodies closer under the sheets. Maïa, Van says, I told you, my father called, he says, Maïa, Maïa. Her name is like a lullaby in his mouth, just made to make her sleep and forget.

* * *

Waking up to Maïa’s face is the best thing on Earth. He’s just drinking her beauty, thinking. Maïa is not his, she’ll never be. Maïa has dreams, she talks about them sometimes, in a low voice, when the night has already eaten them. She talks about traveling, about law, about holidays. Maïa knows a lot of things and when someone notices it, she shrugs. Maïa loves the wind on her face, she hates the cold. Maïa opens her eyes and all he sees is sorrow. He’s breaking her, Van thinks, he’s breaking perfect, golden, Maïa. In a blink, she’s just smiles, gold and brightness but nevertheless, he saw.

\- I see you, Maïa, he says.

But this time, it’s like it’s worrying her, lines appearing on her forehead and for the first time, Van thinks, Maïa has a flaw, Maïa is hiding something. She‘s getting dressed, putting a white dress on. He lightens a cigarette, watching her. Are you lying to me, doll ? are you ? Tell me, Maïa, am I beginning to really see you ? he thinks and thinks. She falls on the bed and she looks like an angel. Her eyes are closed but her hands find him.

\- Why aren’t you running, Van ? she whispers.

\- I prefer swimming.

He knows it’s not what she’s asking but he can hide behind words too, he can protect her.

* * *

Van is watching her, she knows he does and she’s afraid. Soon, he’ll know, soon he’ll know she’s not as golden as he says she is. Soon, he knows the gold is just to cover the scars. Soon, he’ll run. Van is wild, like the smile and the faces he does, like the way he moves and doesn’t seem afraid of nothing. Van is wild and she likes, loves, adores it. She feels possessed like a marionette, Van controls her every move. She moves when he does, she cries when he’s hurt, she shivers when he’s cold. She’ll be gone in a week and Van is breaking her heart because he doesn’t even look at her anymore.

\- Van, she says, grabbing the back of his shirt.

They’re buying grocery for his dad. He stops and she feels her heart hammering in her chest.

\- Talk to me, she says, she whispers, she plaids, she begs.

He turns, his eyes in hers and she sees he’s struggling.

\- I’ll talk when you’ll talk, he says and goes.

She stays in the alley, little tiny golden Maïa, tears on her cheeks.

* * *

Maïa is jealous, Van didn’t know but Maïa is. There’s these girls Jason brings and one of them is talking with him. He thinks nothing about her, the girl knows about swimming, the girl is talking to him and Maïa isn’t. So he talks to her but even if this girl is in front of his eyes, Maïa is in bloodstream, in his veins, in his head, on his skin. Later, the girls are gone, Maïa and Flip and Jason too and he’s alone in his house.

\- I’m falling for you, she says, entering in his room.

She’s playing with her fingers, her eyes on the floor. She’s really pretty and she’s like the sun, she’s shining.

\- Don’t stop talking to me, she says, her voice broken.

He grabs her hand, crashing her body in his, hugging her, her head in the crook of his neck, her tears wetting his skin. She talks about her father, she loves her father, he just screwed up everything by drinking and she loves him even if he doesn’t remember her half the time, even if he says she’s too fat and ugly, even when he’s breaking her heart all the time. She talks about her Mum, who is pretty and married another man, a nice one, a man who doesn’t bring shame on them. Maïa doesn’t like him because he’s not her Daddy, because his Daddy still loves her Mum and it’s breaking his heart. Maïa says she is afraid of being weak, like her father is. Maïa says she’s afraid Van is weak. Maïa says she’s afraid of falling for someone weak. Maïa says she’s falling anyway.

\- I like you, he says, kissing her tears away.

He never broke Maïa, she already was. The gold in here, he can see it, because she has failures. It’s the broken Maïa who make him see the Golden Maïa. I see you, Maïa and it’s blinding. He grabs what he uses to do tattoo and says, come Maïa, I’m going to mark you. She sits on the bed, gives him her wrist and smiles.

\- What do you want ?

\- I want your smile, she says.

He makes her fall on the mattress, her hair spilling like a halo. He takes her wrist and starts working, her eyes closed. He talks, says his Mum is gone because his Dad doesn’t have legs anymore, he talks about Doug who is dead, he says he kills him, Van says, he had gone to jail for 9 months this year, Van says, he doesn’t have projects, Van says, he likes her, Van says, one day, maybe, someone will stay, Van says, it’s done. On her wrist, there is smile written everywhere and all those smiles make Van. When you’re looking at it, it’s just Van written on her wrist but if you look you can see there is “smile” written in tiny, constituting his name. She looks at him and he looks at her and he smiles and it’s enough for her. He lays a bandage on her wrist, he says it’ll stay forever, he says, forever. She kisses him and she smiles too.


	2. broken crown

Van doesn’t know how to express his thoughts, he knows he doesn’t so when Maïa is dancing alone, slowly, beautifully, he just watches. He just stays here and watches her. He would like to go, takes her in his hands and says I love you, you’re beautiful, never go, stay with me but he just watches. And Maïa comes to him and brings him with her, her arms sneaking around his waist as his arms closed on her neck. She smells like honey and sun and he feels her warm body against him and just moves, closing his eyes. It’s like there’s just Maïa with him, like they’re alone, he feels her heart beating against his torso and smiles. She kisses his tshirt over his heart, she smiles, she feels peaceful. Van smells like smoke and pot and water and mint. Van smells like happiness. Or happiness smells like Van. Van seems happy today, he smiles, his eyes shining and she smiles back. They go out to smoke and they talk with Flip and Jason about movies and things and stuff and her arms are around his waist, her head on his heart, his arm on her shoulders. She breathes, smells him and smiles. She loves him, like crazy.

* * *

Maïa is happy, jumping on his bed, her hair moving like they’re breathing. Her eyes are closed and all he can hear is her laugh. The sun brightens her and he thinks, maybe God wants to take her away. Maybe God wants her gold for Him. Maïa is too bright, she’s blinding him but he can’t divert his gaze. He’s hypnotized. Come with me, she says, come, Van. And he thinks, maybe it’s the Devil who created her because he’s hypnotized.

Her laugh resounds in the entire room as he climbs on the bed and jumps with her. Soon, she lets her legs give up and fall on the bed. He looks at her, at the way, she’s lying on the bed, hair scattered, a soft smile on her face. He lowers himself on his knees, his hands grazing her thighs.

\- Hi, she says, opening her eyes.

He kisses her neck, whispering hi too, her hand moving in his hair. Maïa’s heart is beating against his ear, it’s screaming and every beat feels like it’s whispering his name. Van. Van. Van.

\- Your heart is whispering in my ear.

\- What is he saying ?, she laughs.

\- My name.

\- Of course he is, he only beats for you, Van.

They’re nose to nose, her green eyes in his blue ones.

\- You’re still leaving.

\- He’s running to his end, yeah.

He slams his mouth against her, eating her words, destroying them. The end won’t come, they’re together, they are here. She’s real against him but it’s like she’s already gone. He slams his mouth to keep it shut, to not beg her like a child, stay Maïa, stay, I’ll build us a house, I’ll love you till the day we die, Maïa, please, don’t leave me, stay with me, I said forever, do you remember, please, you said forever too.

\- Maïa, he says against her lips.

And it sounds so painful to love her suddenly.

* * *

Van never has nightmares. She sleeps with him all the time, lying in his bed, on the pond, on the cold, on the ground. Everywhere. Van doesn’t have nightmare. When she looks in his eyes however, she sees monsters and demons, she sees they’re haunted. They seem to want to talk to her, they seem to have so much to say. Van is hiding something, Van is lying to her. The feeling grips her heart, his dark hand on her poor heart who’s screaming his name, who’s beating for him, who’s running to his end. Soon, Van will be far away and for who her heart will beat ?

\- I want an ice cream, she says.

And he nods and she wants to cry. Talk to me, Van, there’s something different in your eyes. But she just lets her fingers slip between his. He tightens his grip and he becomes her savior, he saves her from the grip. But it’s ephemeral because Van is gone, Van isn’t there, Van isn’t looking at her. She looks at her feet because the tears in her eyes won’t go away. Van is so silent today and she’ll be gone in two days. They’re running to their end but it’s like the end is already here. His mind isn’t with her, he’s already in September, she’s already gone for him. He buys the ice cream, she takes it, she tries to catch his eyes, saying thank you but he’s not here. It’s not Van anymore.

They sit and the sky is endless, the sun burning her skin. What happened, what did she miss ? Where is he gone ? Where did he start slipping between her hands ? He’s like water, she tries to grasp him, she tries to keep him but he’s just slipping between her fingers. Her head falls on his shoulder and all his body tenses. She cries now, silently, the ice cream is melting and she didn’t even want it in the first place. She cries, tears on her cheeks, the ice cream falling slowly in her hand. Soon, it’s just wasted ice cream and ending love.

* * *

Maïa is sleeping and he’s watching her. He doesn’t know how to talk to her anymore, he’s just afraid, he doesn’t want to say something stupid, like asking her to stay here. This shithole doesn’t deserve Maïa, he doesn’t deserve Maïa and she’s wasting her gold on him. So he doesn’t talk because all which comes to his mind is please, Maïa, never leave me. He’s in love, he knows he is, his heart responds beat by beat to Maïa’s heart. Soon, Maïa’s heart will be gone and his will die, like a fire smothering. Jason says Maïa would stay and Van knows, that’s why he doesn’t ask. Van is swimming a lot now. They’re all sitting, smoking and he swims. She loves his body, the way the muscles move, the way he moves, she loves his wet hair, sticking in all funny directions. She loves Van and she doesn’t want to leave him.

\- Stop it, Maïa, says Jason, just stop.

She shrugs and takes the joint. She just wants to sleep, a peaceful sleep where Van would be with her. Just sleeping in his arms until the end of the time. She lays in the grass, curling on herself. She closes her eyes and she prays for sleep because Van is swimming, Van doesn’t want her gold anymore, Van is drowning in blue and only in her sleep, he’ll smile again.

* * *

Maïa is crying, he knows he’s not supposed to see it but she is. He bits the inside of his cheeks and comes next to her. He sits and just waits. This club, this music, it’s making him think about two days ago, her body pressed against his. The last time, he truly enjoyed being close to her. Now, it’s both pleasure and pain.

\- Why don’t you talk to me anymore ? Did I do something wrong ?, she whispered.

\- Maïa, you, I, it’s just, he takes a breath looking away. I just love you, he shrugs.

And at the pain in his voice, she cries. She never thought loving Van would be painful, she never thought he would suffer so much for loving her.

\- I love you too,” she whispers, her voice broken.

I know, he whispers, kisses her tears, I know, I’m sorry, he says and she can just hug him because their heart are still screaming each other’s name and it’s painful. They feel the end so near, they know that soon, nobody will answer back. Van. Maïa, they beat, Van. Maïa, they scream. Van. Maïa, they die.

* * *

Van is there, watching her as she lays on his bed and their eyes are on each other and she knows she’s still crying. She can’t stop it. She grazes his cheek with the tip of her fingers, soon she’ll stop seeing him. Soon, she’ll stop touching him. Soon, she’ll be gone. Ask me, her eyes plead, ask me, Van and I’ll stay forever. Don’t let me go, please, don’t let me. She closes her eyes because it’s too painful, seeing his blue eyes and the monster tightens his grip on her heart and squeezes but it’s still beating, still screaming his name.

\- Talk to me, he whispers.

He craves the sound of her voice, he craves her touch, he craves her gold.

She talks about sunny days, she talks about dreams, she talks about her past, about childhood. She talks about happiness, about the way her father was, when both of them escaped her mother, going to the park. She talks about smiles, about life, her fingers playing his. She says, one day, Van, we’ll have a house and the white fence, one day, Van, I’ll wake up every day to your face, one day, Van. And she keeps going and he can imagine this life, if he closes his eyes for a second, her voice like a dreams’ seller, shimmering illusions, he can see it. He kisses his name, the inside of her wrist.

\- My smile is yours, Maïa, he whispers.

And she started crying again because she doesn’t want it anymore, she wants his smile on his face, she can’t stand the sad face he’s always wearing now. She’s Maïa the thief, she steals Van’s smiles, she keeps them, she burns them to feed the fire in her heart, she’s burning Van’s smile. He starts kissing her ear, her cheek, climbing on top of her, his mouth hovering above hers.

\- All I have is yours, Maïa, all you want, he says, kissing her, slowly.

And her hands bring him closer, eating his smiles again, keeping them for her. She thinks about the melting ice cream and thinks our love burns like that Van, our love is melting because we’re burning too much, we love too much, he’s melting and soon it’ll be wasted love.

-I just want you, she whispers, her hand on his heart.

Maïa, it whispers, Maïa. Van, comes the answer, Van. And both of theirs hearts are screaming now, faster.

* * *

Maïa is the sun, the moon and the stars and she’s gone. Nothing feels warm anymore. He’s just lost without any indication. Maïa knows things, Maïa knows everything. He just doesn’t know nothing except her. Everyone is gone and he’s lying in the grass, smoking and when he closes his eyes, he can feel Maïa. She’s there, right there, her body presses against him, warmth. He doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to open his eyes or Maïa will be gone. It’s always like that with her, don’t move, let her come to you. How do I do Maïa now ? how do I do now you’re gone ? What should I do, it’s not like you’ll come, you’re not even here. His hand falls on his side and falls on the grass. Where are you, Maïa ? Why are you leaving me alone ? He grips the grass, gold under his eyelids, shining, warming.

\- Talk to me, he whispers and he only hears his heart, screaming her name.

Maïa. Maïa. Maïa. Maïa. Maïa. Maïa. Maïa. Maïa.

 


	3. undying breaths

Maïa is bright like the sun, that’s one of the few things Van knows. He knows he loves her, that too he knows. But her, her love for him, where is it ? Because he feels his heart dying slowly and Maïa isn’t there and she won’t save him and he knows that he wants to save her. Because him, he loves her. And the doubts come in his mind, poisoning his memories with bitter thoughts. Where are you if you love me, doll ? Tell me, talk to me, touch me, see me, he cries in his bed.

* * *

Van would have hated university. She was positive of that, he would have hated it. She lays in the grass and soon, the tears are in her eyes and she closed them. Van, beats her heart but the loneliness makes him less fast, second by second, he’s more silent. She opens her eyes, finding blue ones and for one second, her foolish heart beats faster. But it’s not Van’s eyes, just a washed copy of him. The guy is talking and suddenly, she’s crying. She said nothing, excuses herself and runs to the bathroom. She misses him so much, it’s like a hole in her belly, it’s absorbing everything and it’s always hungry, it’s eating everything, her mind, her brain, her hunger, her feelings, her will. She’s just her heart, speeding to his end, dying little by little. She’s just her heart, she belongs to Van and Van isn’t here, she doesn’t know what to do with Van’s possession. Tell me, Van, what do you want me to do, talk to me.

* * *

Van is at the garage, working on the car, under it. And it’s peaceful, except when he sees that the car belongs to one of the pricks who threw things in his lake. He then remembers that Maïa kept him away from going in a fight but Maïa isn’t there because he is Van, because it is his lake, because he isn’t one of those pricks. The guy is talking and talking and talking and Van doesn’t even listen, just writes shit on the paper so this guy will go.

\- Where’s your pretty friend ? The blonde with the legs which would look so good wrapped around my hips, smirks the prick.

Van is on him, in a heartbeat and he’s crushing his face and he’s yelling about Maïa, about leaving her the fuck alone and he doesn’t even remember but soon, people are keeping him away from the prick but he still try to launch at this fucker’s face.

\- Don’t ever talk about her again ! he shouts and the guy goes and he’s just a mess on the floor, breathing hard, eyes closed because he can’t cry now but damn, he just wants Maïa.

* * *

Maïa is with her mother and she’s talking and Maïa looks at her but in her mind, Van is everywhere and she sees his smiles and she looks at her wrist and she thinks, he loves me. And then, her mother is on her wrist and she’s screaming and Maïa smiles because if her mother sees it, it means everybody knows Van loves. And everybody knows you’re a thief, whispers her heart. Because her heart won’t let her forget how much Van loves her, how much he gives her and all his smiles carved on her skin are just one of the things she has stolen from him.

* * *

Van knows he’s fired no need to brag about it. He knows he’s going home to his broken Dad, in his broken house to live his broken life. He walks to his home, smoking. His hand twitches and he knows he had wanted to grab Maïa’s hand. He knows. He knows she’s not there and the monster in his head knows and keeps pestering about the dream she is, about the way he imagined everything, about the way Maïa is too good for useless and stupid Van. And he smokes and comes home to be yelled at. And all he hears is Maïa’s laugh.

* * *

Maïa’s love is growing inside her. She didn’t think it is possible but it is. The less she hears about him, the more she loves him. Flip calls sometimes, Jason calls sometimes but Van never calls. She knows they said they wouldn’t call but just, a call, just a text, a mail. Something, anything. Just an I love you. Flip calls and she asks about Van, he tells her, Van works, Van does thing. All she hears is that Van doesn’t ask about her, the conversation is a blur and soon, she’s crying in her bed, curling up. Her heart screams but for once, no one hears him, not even Maïa.

* * *

Van wakes up in a cold sweat, Doug is dying, Maïa’s gold is disappearing. In his dream, he tries to catch Doug, to keep him out of the water and Doug disappeared in the lake and then, he raises his head and Maïa is walking her back to him and he swims, he swims faster than he has ever swam. But in the end, Maïa is gone and Doug is dead and he faces his Mum’s piano and slowly it becomes ashes and it’s all he has. In his dream, all he has are ashes. He takes a smoke and goes outside, looking at the water, at his house, Doug’s house, the house. This one was holding his happiness when he was younger, now it’s just sad faces and burned smiles.

* * *

Maïa sleeps all the time, that’s all she does, that’s all she can do. Her mother screams, her husband screams and she just looks at them and she feels sad. They don’t know, how it makes you feel to be loved by someone like Van, to be loved as much as Van loves her. And she feels sad for them. Today, she’s with her Dad and he’s okay, not crying or anything. He asks about the tattoo, and she says, I love him Dad, he makes me happy. And he frowns and says why don’t you smile then. And she laughs and cries and she hugs him and she tells him how much she misses Van, how much she wishes he was there and how much she loves him. They eat after in silence and when her Mum comes to take her, her Daddy hugs her and tell her. _Catch happiness, baby girl_.

* * *

Maïa is leaving him, he thinks. There’s no gold anymore, Maïa is the sun of his grey world and there’s no sun anymore. There’s rain and he thinks why don’t I go swimming ? So he goes, enters the water and thinks maybe I should drown, maybe my fate was to die instead of Doug but then, he thinks about his father and he knows he can’t leave him. He sighs as he pushes his head under water, opening his eyes and then he smiles. Come out, monster of the lake, come out, wherever you are. And he gets out of the water, laughing like a mad man, Doug’s face when he had told him this stupid story. The fucker still got the girl at the end with Van’s story, smooth talker. Van chuckles, good times.

* * *

Van, her heart whispers, Van, he whispers, at night, in the dark when she’s trying to sleep. And she cries because her heart won’t ever stop whispering his name but he’ll never get an answer anymore and she feels lonely without Van’s heart. So she cries and cries and thinks where are you Van ? Why won’t you talk to me ? And for the first time, she thinks it’s too much pain, loving in silence, in the dark, in the whispers of my heart, it’s just too much pain. And you’re not even there, taking care of it, why am I suffering that much ? What did I do except loving you ? And she cries and sobs until her body shakes, until her breath can’t come out of her chest, until her eyes gets dry, until she’s biting in her hand because she just wants to scream because it hurts so much. But the hole takes everything, the hole makes everything disappears and soon, she’s just a mess on her bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking what am I doing to myself ? How can all those tears, all this pain be better than being with Van ? Why did I ever leave him ? What did I leave him to remind him of my love ? And suddenly, she knows. Van has no smiles to grip on.

* * *

Van is a mess, he knows he is. Hi Dad, he says, sitting, taking a beer. His father stops trying to talk to him since Van broke the beers and the whiskey and the vodka on the floor of the house. His father had been saying shit about Maïa. He becomes this guy everybody in town is weary of. He can’t control himself, he just wants to sleep, just wants to forget, just close his eyes and for one second, forget that Maïa isn’t there, that she won’t ever be there. He huffs and looks at the phone, he could call her, just says hi but would she ever answered. He shakes his head, silly thoughts and went out, sits near the lake and lights a smoke. He toys with the idea of calling her, just doesn’t want his Dad to eardrop everything and call him a pussy when he’ll cry when she won’t take the phone. Because she won’t, whispers the voice in his head, whispers the monster, whispers the black hand chocking on his heart. He waits the night, for his father to be asleep and calls Maïa. It rings and rings and rings and Hello, it’s Maïa, you know what to do. He hangs up and goes to bed as Maïa wakes up from a nightmare, in her hurry, she makes her phone fall on the floor, breaking it.

* * *

Maïa is losing it, she feels it, it escapes her grasp, she’s losing her mind and she knows she only knew Van for a month but she’s losing her mind, she’s going crazy. Her mother is talking to her but she can’t hear anything, she tries, she really tries to listen but nothing makes sense.  

\- What is wrong with you, Maïa ? Is this your dealer idea ?

\- What ?

\- You think I don’t know that Jason and you are doing, doing drugs and things. I know you think you’re in love with that dealer of yours, tattooing his name on you like his possession. You don’t love him, it’s just a flirt, Maïa, you deserve better.

And her mother is still talking but Maïa’s heart stops. What is going on ? What is happening ? Is Van the dealer who doesn’t deserve her ? And Maïa smiles, hugging her mother, thank you, she says, thank you. Because she thinks even if Van was her dealer, she would still love him. So what is she even doing here ? Why is she not with Van ?

* * *

Van is sleeping when his father wakes him up, banging on the door. He swears, what is even happening ? He gets up and doesn’t even take the time to put a shirt on. He’s going to sleep again anyway. He finds his father in the kitchen and starts to ask what is happening, why did you woke me up ? But then, he feels alive again and frowns, turning his head. Hi, she says and it’s like his heart starts beating again, like his blood rushes in his veins, like his eyes are seeing the sun for the first time. It’s like all the puzzle is completed and he’s finally whole again. He wants to take her in his arms, he wants to kiss her, to tell her how much he missed her, how cold he had been without her light, how poor his life had been without her gold.

\- What are you doing here ? he asks instead.

Because love is unfair and unforgiving and vengeful.


	4. broken hearts

Van is there, on his bed sitting, facing her and he’s not even looking at her. And she doesn’t understand, she thought, he loved her, she thought, maybe. But everything is falling like a castle of cards.

\- So how are you ? she says, she tries, because she misses the sound of his voice.

\- What are you doing here, Maïa ? he says, his eyes not even looking away from his pants.

And she looks at him, she burns holes in his skin, praying, begging for him to look at her. Because she had missed his love, she had missed the way he looked at her like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

\- I missed you, she says, softly, gently, afraid the words would break him.

She looks at him, looks at his body and she feels like facing a wounded animal. She feels like he could attack, she feels like he’s afraid of her and she wonders, when did she lost him ?

\- So you came to say hi ? he asks, his voice hard as his eyes finally meet hers.

And his face is blank, closed and his eyes aren’t loving, adoring, smiling. His eyes are dead, his eyes don’t recognize her. And her heart beats faster, screaming his name, waiting for the answer. Waiting for the sound so expected, waiting, her fool heart, full of hope. Soon, all her hopes, all her dreams that she had laid at his feet are crumbling, are crushed by him. He’s trampling on them, burning them, reducing them to ashes. Maïa the fool, Maïa the thief with ashes in her hands, with gold in her hair, here is your price, Maïa, here is the boy you love. Here is the boy who loved you, who caressed you hair, whispered secrets in the crook of your ear, gave you all his smiles, here is the mess you made. And her heart is lost and lonely, confused, where is his answer ? Where is the beating so loved, so desired ? It breaks slowly, painfully, lovingly.

\- I came to, the words can’t come out because she doesn’t know what she’s doing here.

She knows nothing, except maybe,

\- I came because I love you, she says.

It sounds like a complain, like a sentenced whispering prayers at the Church, like it’s their last words.

\- How long do you plan on staying ?

And just like that, she lets her weapons fall, thinking it’s too late, he’s lost to you. She won’t fight for a lost cause, she can’t fight anymore and her poor heart is at his end and screams to be saved. But nobody answers.

\- How long you want me to, she whispers, hanging her head down.

She pushes her head in her hands and starts to cry. They were supposed to be happy. He was supposed to smile and kiss all those weeks away, kiss her pain away. And now, all she has is a broken heart.

\- Don’t cry, Maïa, he said.

Van doesn’t know why she’s there, if he’s dreaming or if she really is crying in his room. He stands up, looks at her, sits again.

\- What do you want me to do ? he asks, frowning.

\- I thought you would be happy to see me, she whispers and her voice sounds like a broken glass.

He wants to say he’s happy, so happy, that his eyes are drinking her gold, that he has once again became a rich man and that the sun is shining so bright he can’t look at her.

\- You want something to eat maybe ?

She nodded and the day passes and she watches Van breathing, living and thinks he doesn’t need me. Doesn’t crave my warmth like I crave his, doesn’t need my presence like I need his.

* * *

Maïa is a ghost, he can see her, he knows she’s there but he can’t talk to her, he can’t hear her. He just can’t. And he sees she’s hurting, he sees he’s hurting her but how can he reach a ghost ? At night, they sleep their backs to each other and Maïa softly cries. It’s like being immerged in an ocean, glacial, like knifes all over your skin looking in Van’s eyes. But the worst is knowing no one can save her from it, not even her.

\- Just tell me if you want me gone, she finally begs the second night.

She can’t take it anymore, the way his eyes don’t see her, the way his words aren’t sweet on her scars anymore, she can’t take all this indifference. So she pleads, she begs, she prays for release, she cries for freedom, for at least not being caged in this grey room, in this grey world where all the light of Van’s smiles is dead. He turns and he finds her teary eyes and it’s like swimming again except it feels like drowning,

\- I don’t want you gone.

And she cries softly.

\- Look at me at least, tell me, looking in my eyes that you want me here.

His eyes finally find hers but they’re dead, they’re not even looking at her,

\- There’s no love in you for me, Van. No love at all, she murmured, tears rolling on her cheek, falling on the bed.

And their love is like a weak raft against the storm in Van’s eyes.

\- You don’t love me anymore, Van, I know, just tell me, she begs, tears rolling down on her cheeks.

He looks at her face, a face he came to love so much, a face he had carved in his heart to give him hope when everything was lost but now. Now, this face is just a sad reminder of everything he destroys all the time, a reminder how bright and sunny and perfect Maïa was. And he destroyed her, he made her this weak, miserable and sad girl. He loves her, he loves her so much but she deserves better than this lake, than his no-sense no-goal life. Better than him. And his heart knows and he pleads, he begs, he cries, he tries to reason him but Maïa. Maïa is the sun, the sky, the Earth, Maïa is everything and without her smile, it’s like a night without stars. He’ll be happy, he’ll find happiness, he wasn’t that unhappy before she came. He needs to do it for her, he thinks, that’s how I show you my love. His heart beats faster, his head starts to spin, his palm are sweaty and his heart runs towards its end like a madman.

\- I don’t love you anymore, Maïa, he whispers.

The universe stops moving for a second, the second it takes to his heart to stop beating and he watches her world crumble, the walls falling one by one as the realization comes in her bloodstream, invade her veins until finally it comes in her heart. And she feels numb suddenly. She feels nothing, her eyes never leaving Van’s. Because he must be lying, he must be, he can’t stop loving her when she can’t even fathom the idea of not loving him. But his eyes are still dead and her heart is exploding into millions of tiny pieces inside of her and they’re scratching, bruising, making her bleed on their way, finding home in her skin. She waits, waits and waits for the moment he’ll kiss her, for the moment he’ll tell her he loves her, still, forever like when he said the tattoo was forever but nothing comes. Nothing at all and all is crushing down around her and the floor evaporates under her feet and she feels like she has stopped falling in love, that she just touches the bottom and when she crashes down, everything is broken.


End file.
